Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

NEWS FLASH! Stories broken on the PI Show

NZ In Print established

11/01/98 - NaZis On Air, aka NZ On Air, are to expand their activities into the print media. Minister of State Tit-Sucking, Maurice Wimpiamson, has announced that an adjunct to NaZis On Air, to be known as NZ In Print, will be set up to make sure there is "a range of NZ magazines, books & newspapers reflecting NZ's bi-cultural identity available to NZ readers." NZ In Print will be financed by a compulsory annual fee of $110, payable by every reader in the country.

When it was pointed out to Mr Wimpiamson that this would exempt Alliance Retards, Mr Wimpiamson replied that Alliance Retards didn't have any money anyway, except other people's. When asked if it was not unfair that readers who had no intention of reading NZ In Print-funded material should nonetheless have to pay for it, Mr Wimpiamson said, "So what? That's how the TV tax works." When it was suggested to him that this too was unfair, Mr Wimpiamson said: "You're right. Henceforth, the viewing of NZ On Air-funded programmes & the reading of NZ In Print-funded books will be compulsory for all citizens."

Hitch-hiker law passed

25/01/98 - An emergency session of Parliament has taken urgency this morning to pass the Compulsory Transportation of Hitch-hikers Act 1998. Drafted by the LTSA (Land Transport Safety Authority) and sponsored by the ARP (Alliance Retard Party), the Act is a response to what the ARP describes as the "rampant inequality" manifest on NZ roads over the holiday period, whereby people in automobiles were reaching their destinations 852.37% faster on average than carless hitch-hikers. "The situation is just not fair!" said ARP Transport Spokesperson, Comrade Kokiri. "It is classist & racist — it discriminates against the poor & the tangata whenua, who make up three quarters of the hitch-hiking population."

Under the new law, front-line police will be taken off normal crime-fighting duties to monitor the picking up of hitch-hikers. Drivers of cars observed to pass hitch-hikers without stopping will be photographed by speed cameras & face a fine of up to $7000 or a jail term of up to three months. Countering Libertarianz MPs' protests that it was over to drivers whether they picked up hitch-hikers or not, Comrade Kokiri said: "Rubbish. It's no different from taxation. We force the well-off to make their money available; why shouldn't we force them to make their cars available? After all, it's their moral duty."

Reliable observers report that National & ACT MPs had no answer to that.

Coffee ban proposed

01/02/98 - The former Minister of Vitamins, Katherine O'Vegan, has introduced a private member's bill to outlaw coffee-drinking in the workplace. Ms O'Vegan's bill follows hard on the heels of new research showing that mothers who drink 5000 cups of coffee a day or more are 34.52 per cent more likely to drown their foetuses than mothers who drink 4,999 cups or fewer, and 100 per cent more likely to drown their foetuses than mothers who drink nothing at all. The research, conducted by Waikato University's Department of Feminist Chemistry, also indicated that lifeguards who give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to coffee drinkers are .0001% more likely to develop liver cancer, as well as stains on their teeth, than lifeguards who give mouth-to-mouth to non-coffee drinkers only — the first clear proof, said the researchers, of the dangers of passive coffee-drinking. As well as banning coffee in the workplace, Ms O'Vegan's Caffeine-Free Environment Bill would require restaurateurs to set aside special areas for non-coffee drinkers, and would prohibit advertising or sponsorship by coffee companies. Events previously sponsored by coffee companies would in future receive taxpayer funding through a new government agency called Coffee-Free Aotearoa.

Ms O'Vegan is remembered for her previous legislation banning fortified breakfast cereals & promoting compulsory lesbianism.

Country to be divided

18/01/98 - Prime Minister Jenny Shipley has announced the secession of the North Island from the South & the establishment of two new sovereign states in place of the Dominion of New Zealand. Speaking at an emergency press conference at the Beehive, Mrs Shipley said that tensions between two conflicting value systems had grown insurmountable, & the only solution appeared to be to give both systems the opportunity to prove themselves.

The North Island will accordingly become the People's Republic of Aoteroa. Maori will be not only its official language, but its only language. Its inaugural President will be Lord Montrose of Drury, & its inaugural Prime Minister Sir Twopenny O'Really, in his capacity as head of the only party that will be permitted in the Peoples Republic of Aotearoa, the Collectivist Party.

The Collectivist Party will be drawn heavily, but not exclusively, from the ranks of the existing Alliance Retard & Labour Parties. Prominent cabinet posts are expected to go to Mr Anderton, Ms Corkery, Mr Morgan, Mr Henare, Dr Cullen, Ms Simone d'Uptart, the Auckland University Economics Department & all Page 2 columnists for the NZ Herald. The excessive size of the cabinet will be trimmed by attrition, Mrs Shipley said, as it is confidently expected that half the members will have eaten the other half within six months.

Private radio, television & newspapers in the People's Republic of Aotearoa will be abolished — all media will be run by NZ on Air & its new adjunct, NZ in Print. Tax rates will be raised to 98 cents in the dollar. All imports will be banned & all exports subsidised. Immigration will be abolished, so as to keep dirty foreigners from stealing our jobs. Any dirty foreigners attempting to enter the People's Republic of Aotearoa will be scared off by statues erected at Auckland & Wellington airports — statues of Waikato University feminist geography lecturers. No one will be permitted to leave the People's Republic of Aotearoa — a giant wall of concrete & barbed wire will be erected around the entire coastline by a slave army of white, formerly middle class males, as penance for centuries of oppression of wimmin & tangata whenua. Tobacco & alcohol will be banned, as will just about everything else. All citizens will eat the same food — tofu & mung beans, produced & distributed by the government — three times a day. Tangata whenua who demand fish & chips instead will be clubbed to death. All citizens will wear the same clothing — grass skirts, produced by the government — and counselling will be mandatory for those who unexpectedly encounter Hon Mike Moore in this attire.

The South Island will become the Republic of New Freeland. Its citizens will be free to do what they want as long as they don't violate any other citizen's right to do the same. That, said Mrs Shipley, was all she really needed & wanted to say about the Republic of New Freeland — she & all her parliamentary colleagues were of course looking forward to living in the People's Republic of Aotearoa.

Mrs Shipley was then hurriedly called away to be briefed on reports that the South Island had just sunk under the weight of a sudden mass influx from the North.

Republicans respond to Clinton challenge (source: Christopher Buckley)

08/02/98 - As President Clinton's popularity soars to new heights in the wake of fresh allegations of extra-marital sex in the Oval Office, Texas Governor George W. Bush has announced today that he will seek the Republican nomination in the year 2000, and that he currently maintains "sexual relations with 46 female interns, not one of them old enough to vote."

Steve Forbes interrupted a discussion of tax policy on the Lehrer NewsHour last night to declare that he "routinely engages" in "wild orgies" with members of his political action committee.

William Bennett, while promoting his new best-seller, The Book of Vices: Great Stories from Aristophanes to Arianna, said that he is "leaning toward running for President," and as President would appoint Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to the Supreme Court.

Jack Kemp told a convention of Baptist Ministers today that the reason he fared so poorly during his 1996 debate with Vice-President Al Gore was that he was distracted by a woman "sitting in the front row with empowerment zones like Mount Sinai." The former Housing Secretary said he will decide whether to run in 2000 after consulting with members of his escort service.

Former Vice-President Dan Quayle said today that, contrary to his previous statements, he did have an affair with blonde "lobbyist" Paula Parkinson when he was a senator.

Quayle said that he would also campaign for "withdrawing American troops from Botswana." An aide later clarified that he meant Bosnia.

Pat Buchanan formally entered the 2000 presidential election today, declaring that he has "done more fornicating in the last month alone than the rest of those weenies [a reference to his Republican rivals] have since high school." Speaking at a crowded topless bar in Manchester, New Hampshire, Buchanan called for trade barriers and subsidies for U.S. condom manufacturers.

Lamar Alexander and his wife appeared on the program 60 Minutes last night after the Super Bowl in an effort to dispel rumours that he was not having an affair with a University of Tennessee sophomore.

In what political watchers say is an indication that he too will seek the Republican nomination, televangelist Pat Robertson said today on his 700 Club program that he had "gone over the Good Book with a fine-toothed comb, and nowhere does it say that a man can't have a little harmless fun around the orifice ... er, office." On the contrary, he said, he had found scripture "clear as neon" that "we are enjoined to take our pleasure in our own vineyards."

Vice-President Al Gore's popularity is reported to be plunging amid mounting Republican charges that he has been faithful to his wife.

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