Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

NEWS FLASH! Stories broken on the PI Show

15/03/98 - Taxi industry to become state monopoly

New Zealand's taxi fleets are to nationalised under emergency legislation introduced into Parliament at six minutes past three this morning by Energy Minister Max Backward. Mr Backward was responding to a demonstration in Auckland's Queen St on Friday by the Workers' Socialist Party, formerly the Communist Party of New Zealand, demanding that Mercury Energy be returned to public ownership. Mr Backward pointed out to the demonstrators that Mercury Energy was already under public ownership, but as a goodwill gesture promised to have the government take over ownership & control of taxis as well. (Taxi users have been advised to order their cabs at least a month in advance in future and to expect a steep rise in fares.) The legislation establishes a new Ministry of Cabs headed by a Chief Commissioner of Cabs. Asked who that might be, Mr Backward said that the obvious front-runner was Labour MP Jonathan Hunt, because of his "extensive knowledge" of the industry, with Mrs Richard Prebble "eminently qualified" to be his deputy.

22/03/98 - Lucy Luscious lashed

Lucy Luscious, the Kiwi actress hailed as a role model for men & a feminist icon, has appeared in Playboy with her clothes off. The star of Zena: Castrator Princess, is interviewed in the latest Australian edition of Playboy, talking about wonderbras & breastplates. Luscious was unavailable for comment yesterday because she was filming her remote locations ... er, filming in remote locations ... for an upcoming series of her incredibly popular programme. Meanwhile, Dr Gertrude Grope-Grunt, Senior Lecturer in Feminist Theory in Education at Waikato University, says it's disgraceful that Lucy Luscious has appeared in a magazine used by men for self-gratification. Dr Grope-Grunt says that Playboy is a disgusting publication that portrays women as sexual playthings. She promises she will be denouncing Lucy Luscious, men, self-gratification and sexual playthings in the next issue of her magazine, Dildo.

29/03/98 Drastic surgery for politicians

The Prime Minister has just announced that all politicians are to have their tongues stitched, under a new Code of Political Responsibility launched at the Beehive a few minutes ago. Admitting that a multi-forked tongue has hitherto been a prerequisite for a political career, Mrs Shipley has volunteered to be the first to have her own tongue-parts stitched together. In future, she says, she will not oppose Political Correctness with one part of her tongue while ignoring it with another & supporting it with yet another. She says voters will notice a marked diminution in her hypocrisy levels generally once she has only one tongue. She will not pretend to respect private property while her government steals 38% of everyone else's income. She will not pretend to support a supply & demand-driven economy while prices are dictated by Dr Brash. She will not pretend to uphold the rule of law while praising Maori schools for breaking the law. She will not blather on about personal responsibility while denying people the freedom to exercise it.

Asked whether politicians would be required to have their two faces surgically reunited as well, Mrs Shipley said, "Yes," "No," and "No comment," all at the same time. Asked who would be paying for the operations, Mrs Shipley answered, "The taxpayer," "The taxpayer," and "The taxpayer."

05/04/98 Montrose hails pluralistic justice

Legal history was has just been made in the High Court, where a man found guilty of pushing a metal skewer through one ear and outside the other of his victim, causing death, was given a suspended sentence of life imprisonment. The man said he believed himself to be the object of an African witch-doctor's voodoo curse at the time. The witch-doctor, he contended, had inserted a pin into a doll resembling him, causing him to engage in similar behaviour with his victim. Justice Lawless said he accepted the man's story unreservedly, and directed that he be given free counselling to help him overcome the stress this unfortunate episode had caused. Justice Minister Lord Montrose of Drury, asked to comment on criticisms that the decision could open the floodgates to subjective justice, said: "Look, I've made it plain many times in the past: there's a different system for absolutely everybody, and the sooner you realise that, the better."

12/04/98 - Man arrested for flatulence

A man has been arrested in Queenstown for breaking wind in his back yard. Under the Queenstown Lakes District Plan, drawn up by consultants at a cost of ten million dollars, breaking wind in the open air without a resource consent is a prohibited activity, deemed likely to breach sound & odour restrictions and disturb the local flora and fauna. Officers of the Noise & Odour Abatement Office arrested the man after being tipped off by a neighbour and concealing themselves with special detection devices on his property. The man, whose name has been suppressed pending notification of his family, is reported to have promised the officers that he would confine his wind-breaking to inside his house in future, but was arrested when it was discovered that he didn't have a resource consent for that either.

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