Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

NEWS FLASH! Stories broken on the PI Show

The Minister in charge of Treaty Capitulations, Lord Montrose of Drury, has announced that all Mordi are to receive the pension from age 15. Responding to a plea from the Chairman of the Hooey Council, Sir Growing Fattier, Lord Montrose said that the imposition on the tangata whenua of a relatively advanced, semi-market economy, with all its attendant technological innovations, represented cultural genocide by Europeans, for which the most appropriate form of atonement was the provision of a pension for Mordi as soon as they reached an age at which they might otherwise have to work. Asked exactly who would be eligible, Lord Montrose said that the pension would be available to anyone who was a Mordi and anyone who felt like one. Asked how it would be funded, Lord Montrose directed reporters to the Alliance tax policy. To suggestions that the economy could not sustain such a high number of beneficiaries, Lord Montrose responded: "That has never stopped us in the past."

26/04/98 - Peters defects to Libertarianz

An early general election is on the cards after the dramatic defection this morning of New Zealand First leader Winston Peters to the Libertarianz party. At a hastily arranged press conference a few minutes ago, Mr Peters said he had been won over by the compelling logic of Libertarianz policies as expounded on Radio Pacific's Politically Incorrect Show. He had immediately amended his recent budget to include the abolition of GST and the introduction of a standard income tax of 15%. Asked what he would do to reduce expenditure accordingly, Mr Peters said the state would sell off its die-while-you-wait health system & its turn-your-kids-into- zombies education system. Asked how the Prime Minister had reacted, Mr Peters said she was still unconscious after fainting, and no one could be located who was willing to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on her.

10/05/98 - Viewing of NaZis On Air programmes compulsory

The viewing of programmes made with the assistance of the broadcasting tax will be made compulsory under an amendment to the Broadcasting Regulations sponsored by the Minister of Culture, Ms Simone d'Uptart. Ms d'Uptart told National Socialist Radio's Dr Brayin Oddwords that the amendment addresses a long-standing anomaly: "There's not much point forcing people to pay for the making of the programmes if they are not then forced to watch them as well," she said. An audibly excited Dr Oddwords asked the Minister if it would also be compulsory to listen to National Socialist Radio in future, since it too is financed by compulsorily-acquired money. Ms d'Uptart said she had considered that, but rejected it on the grounds that she had done her bit for lethal diseases when she was Minister of Contaminated Blood.

17/05/98 Male Blindfolds Compulsory

The wearing of blindfolds in public will be made compulsory for all males over the age of ten under legislation passed under urgency by Parliament a few minutes ago. The Anti-Rape By Eye Contact Act was drafted by lecturer in Feminist Geometry at Waikato University, Dr Gertrude Grope-Grunt, who is also editor of Dildo Magazine. It has been ratified by the Ministry of Wimmins Affairs. It will mandate the wearing of blindfolds in public in order to stamp out what Dr Grope-Grunt calls the "shameless, patriarchal, capitalistic treatment of women as sex objects in which men engage whenever they look upon the opposite sex." Dr Grope-Grunt was speaking after her daily counselling session necessitated by the distress she has been suffering after being enrolled in a Sumo wrestling course when she shaved recently.

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