Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 31/05/2000

[Music - Die Fledermaus]

Good afternoon, KAYA ORAAAA & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Wednesday May 31, proudly sponsored by Neanderton Nicotine Ltd, the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit & excellence against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

[Music up, music down]

Today, a parable for our times. This is not original to me, but has been floating around the internet in one form or another for months now. This one has been adapted to fit conditions in the Democratic Sheeple's Republic of Aotearoa. It's an updated version of the story of Noah & the Ark, & it goes like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered His specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," he shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a Resource Consent for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans and get an engineers report from the Council. Then I got into a fight with NZ Fire Service over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and smoke alarms, and the Ministry of Health over the provision of smoking or non-smoking areas. Then the local body planners objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building an Ark in my front yard that was a recreational watercraft.

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because of the ban on native logging on the West Coast. They tried to get me to use Fijian Jara but I couldn't get the necessary dispensation from Customs & Excise to import timber from a Pacific Island nation that wasn't party to the international working party on the life cycle of native timbers. I finally convinced DOC that I needed the wood to indirectly save the kakapo from extinction, which seemed to get a bit of a reaction; however,the Royal Forest and Bird Society objected and won't let me catch any Kakapo. No kakapo. No wood.

"Under the new Employment Relations Bill, the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement under the provisions of good faith bargaining before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. OSH arrived and now I have to produce a Hazard Management and Safety procedure before they start work, and ACC are insisting we pre-pay our annual premiums on the basis we may not be returning. So now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but no kakapo and no wood.

"When news got out that I was round up other animals, MAF arrived and insisted I build quarantine facilities to hold them in for the 6 months before sailing. The also wanted blood samples to prove no genetic engineering was involved.

"The next thing I know, the Regional Council is knocking on my door. They want an Enviromental Impact Report on the proposed flood: the area it would cover, the amount of water in cubic metres, impact on local micro-ecosystems, velocity and force of water, cost to manufacturing and production and local transport, areas for possible relocation and resettlement. I tried telling them they were missing the point entirely.

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunities Commission and the Race Relations Office that our selection criteria do not fairly reflect the age, gender, sexual orientation, religious and race diversity of the Earth's inhabitants.

"Finally WINZ has waded in. They have seized my assets for alleged non- payment of child support. It seems a local baseball coach is claiming I knocked her up last year at the tapu-lifting ceremony for the relocation of the New Plymouth cemetery. Mrs Noah is beside herself She's enrolled herself in the Women in Leadership Seminar and has applied to the Waitangi Tribunal for her share of Tainui's coroporate box at Ericson stadium and is leaving me. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

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