Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 02/08/2000

[Music - Die Fledermaus]

Good afternoon, KAYA ORAAAA & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Wednesday August 2, proudly sponsored by Neanderton Nicotine Ltd, the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit & excellence against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

[Music up, music down]

H. L. Mencken once described puritanism as an obsessive fear that somebody, somehow, somewhere just might be enjoying himself. The puritans' big bugbear, of course, used to be sex - you couldn't even repair to solitary indulgence without being told you'd go blind. Nowadays sex is not only not forbidden, it is just about compulsory - & those for whom it is not an option can take themselves in hand without the fear of ongoing optometrists' bills. For the Pleasure Police have turned their attention to other things we put in our bodies, notably food & drink, & have enlisted the aid of what passes for science to prove that if you enjoy it, it'll maim & kill you. I quote from Monday's Herald:

"Regular coffee drinkers may face a higher risk of arthritis in later life as well as the increased possibility of heart disease & problems caused by excessive caffeine. Scientists have found that coffee increases a hallmark early indicator, called the 'rheumatoid factor.' Those putting away four or more cups a day are twice as likely to test positive for arthritis than occasional drinkers. And anyone consuming eleven or more cups a day is almost fifteen times as likely to develop the rheumatoid factor. Researchers at the National Public Health Institute in Helsinki, Finland, measured the rheumatoid factor in seven thousand people & checked their coffee habits."

Well, cream my cappuccino! Assuming this 'rheumatoid factor' means anything, how do they know it's the coffee that does it? What other habits did they check?! Personally I'm convinced that arthritis is caused by the eating of too much lettuce - did they check on the lettuce consumption of these seven thousand guinea pigs? They wouldn't have of course, because coffee is pleasurable while lettuce is boring, meaning we must be made to eat more of the stuff (for our own good, of course).

You can see where this is headed, can't you? Compulsory warnings on coffee packets, extra taxes on coffee, the forbidding of coffee-drinking in the workplace, government-subsidised programmes for Maoris trying to kick their caffeine habit - & successful, government-sanctioned class actions by arthritics & heart patients against the coffee giants. Phyllida Bunkle & Annette King would be having multiple climaxes at the prospect - if they didn't take so many cold showers.

Further on in the Herald article, the benefits of coffee-drinking are acknowledged - better short-term memory, boosted muscle power & increased alertness. I'd add one more to that - good old-fashioned enjoyment, the kind the Pleasure Police are intent on stamping out.

So as I sit here in the studio & savour my espresso, I proffer the following salutary observations for your edification: alfalfa sprouts contain three hundred & thirty-seven known carcinogens; tofu does NOT contain testosterone, & so will tame your testicles; and ten out of ten people who die have drunk water recently.

Oh, and one more - being a miserable, puritanical kill-joy gives you warts.

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