Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 17/08/2000

[Music - Die Fledermaus]

Good afternoon, KAYA ORAAAA & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Thursday August 17, proudly sponsored by Neanderton Nicotine Ltd, the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit & excellence against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

[Music up, music down]

The winner has just been announced of an essay competition for humanities students at Victoria University instigated by Sir Robert Jones. The topic was, "That the world would be a better place if BCom students were given a daily flogging." (Commerce students were forbidden to take part.) Sir Bob & his co-judges - all of them drunk at the time - awarded a prize of $1000 to an English Literature student, Sandi Miller, who argued that flogging commerce students would keep God amused, thus deflecting Him from such other entertaining diversions as killer tornadoes & military coups.

A sound thrashing was possibly one of the outcomes Sir Bob had in mind when he dispensed some advice to a couple of BCom graduates who were pestering him with their flow-charts & spread-sheets awash in "paradigms," "dynamics," "inputs," "throughputs" & similar gibberish. "Buy a copy of Truth newspaper," he admonished. "It includes half a dozen pages of classified advertisements by many hundreds of young ladies who are eager to commit diverse atrocities on willing males. Accept these offerings & work your way through the lot. At the end you will not only be a great deal better for this but will have a better handle on life at large."

Personally, I think daily floggings have a lot going for them. For years I have confined myself to rational persuasion when dealing with lunatics, & failed lamentably to bring them round. Now I have come to believe Sir Bob is right - it's time to get out the horse-whip. But why stop at commerce students? I can think of several other groups for whose recalcitrance the only solution is a daily dose of the lash. For instance, those insufferable pests - usually taxi drivers or shop assistants - who persist in asking, "How's your day been?" This I find most irritating, since it's none of their damned business how my day has been. A good thrashing is undoubtedly the best response to this impertinence. Then there are those who bite into a raw carrot while speaking to you on the telephone, to deafening effect. In fact, any ass who eats raw carrots should be flogged anyway, since carrots give you cancer. As for those cretinous creatures who chew gum all day & every day - a merciless whipping is definitely the only cure. Chewing gum doesn't give you cancer, but I find it offensive.

Of course, where the offenders are women, the severity of the floggings should be much greater. Come to think of it, ALL women should be horse-whipped daily as a matter of course. Women can't drive or read maps, & the world of linear logic is closed to them. They are run by their hormones. They turn every little thing into a cosmic drama, & there's no point in trying to reason with them since they are also incapable of listening. If they do, by accident, manage to absorb something you've said, they tuck it away & quote it against you thirty years later. Daily floggings wouldn't cure them - there is no cure for women known to man - but they'd certainly be very satisfying.

Yes, Sir Bob is on to something. The hell with this limp, libertarian "live & let live" rubbish I've hitherto been sucked in by. Thrash the buggers, I say! The world would assuredly be a better place if many - in fact, most - of its inhabitants were flogged routinely.

Needless to say, however, this daily discipline should be withheld from those who show signs of enjoying it.

If you enjoyed this, why not subscribe?