The Politically Incorrect Show - 05/09/2000
[Music - Die Fledermaus]
Good afternoon, KAYA ORAAAA & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Tuesday September 5, proudly sponsored by Neanderton Nicotine Ltd, the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit & excellence against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.
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Well, Tariana's really done it now. Hard on the heels of her Post-Colonial Trauma Disorder Syndrome speech, inspired by her chats with her kai tiaki or ghostly guardian & likening the British colonists to Hitler, the Associate-Minister of Maori Affairs has delivered a sequel - not to a gathering of psychologists this time, but to a similar group, the Annual Conference of Confused Persons at the Sunny Days Convalescent Home in Napier. Coverage of the speech was banned by the Prime Minister, but the PI Show has managed to obtain a transcript. Here is what Mzzzzz Turia said on this occasion:
"Kia Sephia, Kia Sportage, Kia Mentor Hatchback.
"Iwi and hapu, kaumatua and mokopuna, fish and chips, surf and turf, collars and cuffs, Sandra and Tame.
"I have come here today to speak on behalf of my ancestors who were subjected to an Armageddon, the end of all life as we know it on the planet, at the hands of colonising pig-dog pakeha scum.
"I speak slowly, yet with urgency because Whitey has not learned from these crimes against humanity, and continues to inflict holocausts upon Mordi on a daily basis.
"Just this morning I went to the gate down at the bottom of my garden to converse with the fairies. Imagine my outrage when I discovered some filthy white devil had put junkmail in my mailbox.
"The agony for my ancestors which I felt at this colonial barbarism made the crucifixion of Jesus Christ look like a paper cut.
"To place this advertising, a Pizza Haven discount coupon, in my sacred letter box was like the Russian purges, the rape of the innocents and the bit in Bambi where the hunters shoot her mother rolled into one. I want to place it on record that I am now suffering from Post Letterbox Outrage Neurosis Kill European Racists Syndrome (PLONKERS).
"I have spoken to my dead ancestors about this fetid violation of my tino rangatiratanga, and they agree that I am a classic example of a PLONKERS victim.
"I have also spoken to Caspar the Friendly Ghost, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and appointed them as the Ministerial Minders Helen 'Whitey' Clark insists I must have.
"The voices in my head say I must end this speech now and hide under the table placing tapu on the oppressive white supremacist carpet covering the floor of this oppressive convalescent home.
"Tina Turner, Tina Arena, Tina Cross."
Yes, the foregoing was a spoof - well ... after some listeners took the Hersheys one seriously I realised one can't be too careful these days - originating, I am reliably informed, from some witty wag in the parliamentary press gallery. Good to know there's someone in that hotbed of Political Correctness who knows it's all nonsense.
Politically Incorrect Show, putting plonkers in their place ... 309 3099.
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