The Politically Incorrect Show - 22/09/2000
[Music - Die Fledermaus]
Good afternoon, Kaya Oraaa & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Friday September 22, proudly sponsored by Neanderton Nicotine Ltd., the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit, & excellence, against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.
[Music up, music down!]
A little Friday frolic today - my subject is How to Be a Labour Voter. What follows began its career on the internet as How to Be a Democrat, & was pitched, obviously, at Americans. Someone, I know not who, has adapted it to the New Zealand context & produced this:
Almost anyone can vote Labour. You only have to stop thinking and vote that way. But to be a faithful Labourite, you have to believe in certain things:
You have to believe that there was no art before Government started funding it. You have to believe that spending $17.4 million dollars a day on welfare isn't enough.
You have to believe that taxes are too low, but bank fees are too high.
You have to believe that standardised tests are racist, but racial quotas aren't.
You have to believe that that government funding comes from the government and not from taxpayers.
You have to believe AIDS is spread by cuts in government health funding.
You have to believe that governments can create economic growth by taxing the economy.
You have to believe in good faith bargaining in the workplace, unless the workplace is the Beehive.
You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach school kids to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving 4WDs.
You have to believe that the right to property is a loony right-wing idea, but you believe that Maori have legitimate grievances against the government because their property was taken from them.
You have to believe Helen Clark really does have a loving marriage with Peter Davis.
You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
You also believe that people like Marian Hobbs and Tariana Turia are the right people to have in charge to make socialism work here.
You have to believe that free trade is unfair, but you shop at Trade Aid stores.
You have to believe that registering guns in the hands of law-abiding firearms licence holders will prevent firearms-related crimes being committed by criminals who have never had, nor ever will have, a firearms licence.
You have to believe that competition is good for Telecom but bad for ACC.
You also have to believe that tobacco excise increases will force people to smoke less, but higher income taxes won't discourage people from working harder.
You have to believe that it's bad if Aucklanders drive to work, but it's OK for Helen Clark's husband to commute to Auckland from Christchurch.
You must believe that right-wing politicians have been bought off by "big business" even though they gave similar amounts of money to left-wing and right-wing parties, but you don't think that left-wing parties have been bought off by even larger amounts of money from unions who don't give money to anyone else.
You have to believe that it's not OK to appoint businessmen to boards of government agencies, but it's OK to appoint trade unionists and Labour activists to health boards.
You have to believe that a 160-year-old Treaty is responsible for a recent outbreak of psychological disorders ... amongst Maori only.
You have to believe you're a "liberal," but you're only liberal with other people's money.
You have to believe that religious schools shouldn't receive any government funding, but Christmas and Easter should continue to be statutory holidays.
You have to believe that rape is worse than murder, but you don't think women should be allowed to carry pepper spray for self-defence.
You have to believe that Michael Cullen's "charm offensive" worked on the business sector.
You also have to believe that the thought of Michael Cullen having charm isn't offensive.
You believe that mothers should have the maternity care of their choice, but you trust Trevor Mallard and Steve Maharey to choose the education their children receive for the rest of their life.
You think that tariffs should be re-introduced "to protect kiwi jobs," but you buy imported goods from the Warehouse.
You have to believe that the Labour-Alliance government has a "mandate" to do whatever they please when only 46% of voters voted for them, and that this mandate justifies their ignoring 92% of voters who voted for stiffer penalties for violent offenders and the 81% of voters who voted to reduce the number of MPs.
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