Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 29/11/2000

[Music - Die Fledermaus]

Good afternoon, Kaya Oraaa & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Wednesday November 29, proudly sponsored by Neanderton Nicotine Ltd., the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit, & excellence, against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

[Music up, music down!]

During our discussion of Waitangi Day on Monday, I asked those of you who thought it should be re-named New Zealand Day just what you envisaged it was that a New Zealand Day might celebrate. Since then I've come up with some answers of my own. Giving effect to these would involve giving the day a different name every year for the next eight years, after which the whole array of appellations could be recycled:

#1 - Handout Day. In honour of the great New Zealand tradition - bludging. On this day, everyone on a benefit to be given a lifetime's supply of TAB tickets & Coca Cola vouchers.

#2 - Nanny State Day. Celebrating the great New Zealand allergy to private enterprise, to thinking for oneself & acting independently. On this day, Telecom, Air New Zealand & TransRail to be confiscated by the government without compensation, all food chains, supermarkets & corner dairies to be nationalised; everybody to be tucked into bed at night by officers from WINZ & CYFS.

#3 - Holocaust Day. Atoning for the genocide that Europeans - with their written language, clothing, housing, wheels, one law for all, etc. - perpetrated against Maori. On this day the Waitangi Tribunal to declare Maori sovereignty over the Tasman Sea & the South Pole.

#4 - Short Poppy Day. Savouring New Zealand's international reputation for cutting down the tall ones. On this day, all statues of Great Men to be beheaded, all living Great Athletes to be leg-amputated, all Great Singers to have their throats slit & anyone earning over $60,000 a year in whatever field to be lobotomised.

#5 - Talkback Retard Day. A competition for the most nasal whine, the biggest whinge, the most asinine drivel from a talkback caller (I already have several nominations). The winner to be treated to personalised readings by Jim Neanderton from his books Fascism for Fools, Communism for Cretins, Socialism for Sapheads & Marxism for Morons.

#6 - Political Correctness Day. A Great Hui at the Auckland University marae for disabled Maori lesbian Women's Studies lecturers. White heterosexual males to be ceremonially castrated & clubbed to death by Margaret Wilson, roasted over a hangi spit & eaten; their testicles to be displayed at Te Papa.

#7 - Anti-Profit Day. Ceremonial pledge-signing by all remaining private businesses that they will run at a loss henceforth in order to remove all vestiges of that filthy habit, money-making.

#8 - Breeders' Day Out. Doing what Aotearoa does best - subsidising the dumbest among us to go forth & multiply madly. On this day, all males with imbecile IQs to be given free Viagra, all condom-vending machines to be shut down just in case, all females with imbecile IQs to be given clucky hens.

Well, I think that about covers it. Kia Ora!

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