Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 06/04/2001

[Music - Die Fledermaus]

Good afternoon, Kaya Oraaa & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Friday April 6, proudly sponsored by Neanderton Nicotine Ltd., the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit, & excellence, against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

[Music up, music down!]

The reason I was away Tuesday & Wednesday this week is that I was back in hospital. My heartbeat had become dangerously fast & irregular on Monday night, so I was sent back into Nanny State's tender care. Initially they thought they would probably have to "zap" me, as one sees in television hospital dramas, where someone yells "Stand clear!" as half the national grid is applied to the hapless victim's heart to make it go, or shock it back to normality. That meant no breakfast Tuesday morning, as one is placed under full anaesthetic, requiring one to have had no food or drink for the past few hours.

As I awaited my likely electrocution, a doctor with an entourage of students arrived at my bedside. After being informed of how unresponsive my heart had been to the various substances with which I had already been injected, he confirmed that zapping, indeed, was the best option. He & the entourage then departed, leaving me to ponder this cheerful news. My spirits rose, however, when two young students from the entourage returned to ask if they could practise their poking & prodding on me, since they were about to sit an exam. As this was the only offer I had had all morning, & the best one all year, I readily acquiesced, albeit regretful that, not having showered or shaved, I wasn't looking or smelling my best.

That little diversion over, however, it was back to thoughts of being fried. Time dragged, enlivened only by another student needing a case study for another exam quizzing another patient about his entire medical history. The patient, as it turned out, provided rich pickings, having suffered, it seemed, from every ailment in the book. The student was Asian, with a thick accent, & the patient was deaf, meaning that the entire conversation was shouted, & was audible all over the ward. By the time they got to the constipation, the rest of us were doubled over in laughter.

Then, more good cheer. The monitor I was hooked up to was at last indicating an improvement, & I might not need to be zapped after all. So at last I got to eat my breakfast. Not that it was worth waiting for - prison food could hardly be any worse. Hours later, though, bad news - there had been no further improvement & I would definitely have to be zapped the next morning. Perhaps it was the dread prospect that did it, but things suddenly took a turn for the better, & at 4.57pm my heartbeat reverted to a normal, regular rhythm. I was spared. Nature & a changed regimen of drugs would be allowed to take their course.

Why am I telling you all this? Well it's Friday, & it's funny. And I want to say thank you to Nanny's doctors & nurses - they were wonderful: courteous, cheerful & utterly professional.

Shame about their boss.

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