Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 31/05/2001

[Music - Die Fledermaus]

Good afternoon, Kaya Oraaa & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Thursday May 31, proudly sponsored by Neanderton Nicotine Ltd., the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit, & excellence, against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

[Music up, music down!]

Tuesday night I had a visit from Bernard Darnton, Free Radical webmaster & contributor. A group of us wined & dined him & brought him back to my apartment for further wining. At one point we amused ourselves by reading out some of the funnier articles that had appeared in The Free Radical over the years. Bernard read one of his own articles, Achtung Fatso! from two and a half years ago. Though we were all guffawing, we were also alarmed by the extent to which what he wrote in jest appears to be coming true. Listen, & you'll see what I mean:

"The cost to the public health system of obesity-related diseases has been estimated at over four point seven bazillion dollars a year. In an effort to reduce the burden of this cost on all New Zealanders, the Ministry for Nutritional Responsibility has issued a set of guidelines on healthy eating. Swift & effective correction will ensure voluntary compliance with these guidelines.

"All New Zealand residents will be required to register with the Body Mass Index Safety Authority. Those at risk will be encouraged to attend programmes carefully designed to train clients to adopt a less damaging lifestyle. Advertising of products with a high caloric content is a significant factor in inducing young people to consume harmful foods. This advertising will be banned. Government funding, through the EatSmart brand, will be available to compensate for any losses this may cause. To assist in offsetting the high cost of treatment of fat-related disease, a calorie tax will be introduced. To assist in offsetting the high cost of collecting the calorie tax, a salt tax will also be introduced.

"All persons involved in the cooking or preparation of food will be required to submit samples to the Food Quality & Composition Commission. This will ensure that every meal adequately meets the prescribed conditions. To assist in the identification of suitable foods, a useful diagram has been developed & will be distributed to every household in the country. The Healthy Eating Swastika has four branches illustrating the four acceptable types of food. For example, an excellent meal may consist of muesli, broccoli, prunes & mung beans.

"Investigations have begun into the activities of companies profiting from the sale of caffeine-based products. There is evidence that these companies have known for many years that caffeine is addictive & have failed to adequately inform consumers. Many soft drinks are also high in sugar & as such present a double hazard. For this reason, they will be available for sale to adults only. Soft drinks sweetened artificially will be banned altogether. Laboratory studies show that rats fed solely on diet cola have a much-reduced lifespan.

"Meat is associated with a number of coronary & digestive diseases. This coupled with the knowledge that the practice of killing animals for food is directly linked to the problem of male violence against women has led the Ministry to consider a total ban on all animal-based food products. After considering both sides of the argument the Ministry will allow licensed operators to continue the farming of chicken & fish. Owners of cows & sheep will be required to surrender them to the government who will provide appropriate compensation. Persons operating zoological gardens may apply for a collector's license."

As I say, that was written two and a half years ago. Now see what's happened! I'm considering banning Mr Darnton from writing any more satire.

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