The Politically Incorrect Show - 28/07/1999
Music - Die Fledermaus
Good afternoon, Kaya Oraaa & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Wednesday July 28, proudly sponsored by Tuariki Tobacco Ltd, the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit, & excellence, against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.
Music up, music down!
Well they've proved very popular so today I'm going to read them again - the 40 very politically incorrect rules that blokes wished sheilas knew. I should say that I, as a very caring, sharing New Age gay man, am not the author of these & I don't know who was, but since they were first broadcast, the Human Wrongs Commissariat has ordered me to go on a sensitivity training course & the Ministry of Ugly Wimmin's Affairs has chartered several aeroplanes to transport its staff to Wairakei for a weekend of trauma counselling. Anyway, here they are again, beginning with Rule #2, for reasons that will be obvious later:
#2) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us!
#3) Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down!
#4) Don't cut your hair. Ever!
#5) Birthdays, Valentines & anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, yet again!
#6) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
#7) Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
#8) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation & monster trucks.
#9) Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat!
#10) Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period! (Ooops!)
#11) Sunday = Sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tide. Let it be.
#12) Shopping is not sport.
#13) Anything you wear is fine. Really!
#14) You have enough clothes.
#15) You have too many shoes.
#16) Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to be impressed.
#17) Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, & your dad probably is too.
#18) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work!
#19) No, I don't know what day it is; I never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
#20) Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
#21) Most of us own no more than three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of thirty would look good with your dress?
#22) Yes & No are perfectly acceptable answers.
#23) A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
#24) Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
#25) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
#26) Check the bloody oil!
#27) Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
#28) Don't fake it. We'd rather be inadequate than deceived.
#29) It is neither in your best interests nor mine to take the quiz together.
#30) Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null & void after 7 days!
#31) If you don't dress like Victoria's Secret Girls, don't expect us to behave like soap opera guys.
#32) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, & one of them makes you cry, we meant the other one.
#33) Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
#34) You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done - not both.
#35) Please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
#36) Christopher Columbus didn't need directions - neither do we.
#37) Women wearing wonder-bras & low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
#38) Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just as you do.
#39) Telling us that the models in Playboy & Penthouse are air-brushed makes you look jealous & petty & certainly won't deter us from looking at them.
#40) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
And finally, the number one rule:
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out!!
Politically Incorrect Show, putting the bitches in their place on 09 309 3099.
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