Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 20/08/1999

Music - Die Fledermaus

Good afternoon, Kaya Oraaa & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Friday August 20, proudly sponsored by Tuariki Tobacco Ltd, the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit, & excellence, against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

Music up, music down!

The Minister of Culture, Marie Hasler, will this afternoon seek urgent leave in the House of Representatives to pass emergency legislation drawn up to salvage the Gisborne Millennium concert. The Communisation of Culture Act was drafted in record time with the assistance of staff of the Minister of Immigration, Tuariki Delamere, who said they had learned an awful lot about "cobbling stuff together in a hurry" when panicking during the recent Chinese boat people saga, & didn't want their experience to go to waste.

Ms Hasler says the legislation is designed to raise the maximum possible amount of revenue in the minimum possible amount of time, while reducing costs to almost zero. A compulsory concert levy of $110 will immediately be imposed on every New Zealander over the age of 18. The IRD will be authorised to take this amount out of every such New Zealander's bank account. Those who have less than $110 in their accounts will have whatever amount is there taken out, & be charged standard interest & penalties on what is owing. An additional provision in the Act will make it illegal for any New Zealander to withdraw any money from his account until the IRD has completed its collection of the new levy.

"Then," said Ms Hasler at a press conference just a few minutes ago, "there is the problem of the artists. I think they have adopted a very selfish attitude to the Millennium celebrations by demanding fees. Unfortunately we do not have jurisdiction over Mr Bowie, but the second section of this Act will empower the government to force Dame Kiri to sing free of charge, for the common good. Mr Anderton has already signalled his enthusiastic support for this part of the legislation." Asked what the government would do if Dame Kiri refused to sing, Ms Hasler jumped up & down excitedly. "Ooooo," she said, "that's the beauty of this legislation. It is our expectation that Dame Kiri will indeed refuse to sing, given that she is known to have far too much self-respect. Well, the Act also empowers the government to extradite Dame Kiri from wherever she is & forcibly place her on the stage. Then - ooooo! oooo! - we are authorised to attach electrodes to her larynx. If she refuses to sing, we'll simply zap her vocal cords. Now of course what comes out then won't sound like her at all. But it WILL sound like David Bowie. Oooo! Oooo! Isn't that the cleverest thing you ever heard?! Two for the price of one! And the price of one is nothing. Ooooo! Oooo! The ACT Party & the Business Roundtable have already done a cost-benefit analysis of this & think it's 'optimal.' Oooo! I should get a Damehood myself out of this. Oooooo!"

Asked whether enough people would want to attend a concert featuring Dame Kiri doing involuntary David Bowie impressions, Ms Hasler said, "Oh you silly journalist people you. Do you imagine I didn't think of that as well? Tee-hee. Mr Anderton has already agreed to make it compulsory for all members of all parties that make up his nice Alliance Party to attend. And what harm is there in that? After all, they wouldn't know the difference between David Bowie & Dame Kiri anyway. Oooo! Was ever a Minister of Culture so clever as mmmmmwaaa?"

When reminded that Alliance supporters wouldn't be able to afford tickets, since the only money they had was what was left of other people's after Christine Rankin had spent it on bonding sessions, Ms Hasler took some time to ponder the question. She then had a violent seizure & died.

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