Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 04/10/1999

Music - Die Fledermaus

Good afternoon, Kaya Oraaa & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Monday October 4, proudly sponsored by Tuariki Tobacco Ltd, the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit, & excellence, against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

Music up, music down!

Buoyed by the success of its banning of the magazine, Cigar Aficionado, the Ministry of Health is preparing a submission to the incoming government whereby all unhealthy activities and publications promoting such activities will also be banned. Spokeswoman Ms K. Illjoy says the Ministry has been greatly encouraged by the complete absence of public outrage against its Cigar Aficionado initiative, and wants to move quickly while the iron is hot. "The only opposition came from the magazine itself and one shop that stocked it!" says Ms Illjoy. "Well, they would be opposed, wouldn't they? They make a profit from it! Just another reason to stamp it out, as far as the Ministry and the vast majority of New Zealanders are concerned."

Ms Illjoy says it's time for the Ministry to cease focussing exclusively on tobacco and instigate sweeping new measures for the improvement of public health. "We thought an obvious place to start would be Cuisine magazine," says Ms Illjoy, "because it promotes the whole gamut of nasties: red meat, dairy products, wine, and coffee just for starters, all of which cause cancer, heart attacks, Alzheimer's disease and ingrowing toe-nails. Then we came up against the fact that all the women's magazines are stuffed full of recipe columns promoting exactly the same products. They also promote sex ... all those Tom Cruise profiles and croquet hints and 'Ask Your Gynaecologist' columns . you can't fool us, we know what they're really about. Well, research shows that sex causes pleasure in 97.63% of cases. And pleasure has been shown in several Massey University surveys to be the motivating factor behind the consumption of red meats, dairy products, wine & coffee. So here, you see, a vicious circle is being created & recreated every week by Woman's Weekly and all the others. Clearly, since we've already banned Cigar Aficionado, we must ban them also. Anyway," adds Ms Illjoy, "they've only ever been perpetuators of white male patriarchal oppression of wimmin, so of course they should go. And then, to be non-discriminatory about it, we must ban men's magazines too. May I say that in my view, this particular measure is long overdue. Especially those disgusting muscle magazines. We all know which muscle THEY'RE about!"

Ms Illjoy disputes claims that the Ministry's proposals would be difficult to implement & police. "Quite the contrary," she says, "we already have a perfect model. If we passed a Literature, Foodstuffs and Morals Management Act, similar to the Resource Management Act, we could simply empower local body officials (well, the wimmin ones anyway) to visit every property in their jurisdiction, confiscate any prohibited literature & foodstuffs they find and impose stiff spot fines on the owners."

And in breaking news: Associate Health Minister Sir Tuariki Delamere has just announced that he is firmly in favour of the proposals of Ms K. Illjoy and will seek to expedite them through Parliament before the general election in November. Asked whether NZ voters might find such draconian measures unacceptable, Sir Tuariki giggled uncontrollably for several minutes before managing to gasp, "Haven't you seen what we've done already? They'll accept anything we dish up to them."

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