Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 05/11/1999

Music - Die Fledermaus

Good afternoon, Kaya Oraaa & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Friday November 5, proudly sponsored by Tuariki Tobacco Ltd, the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit, & excellence, against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

Music up, music down!

After a week of post-mortems into the All Blacks' loss to the French, Alliance leader Jim Neanderton called a press conference this morning & ordered the nation to pull itself together. "What people don't realise," said Mr Neanderton, "is that the real disaster here is not that the All Blacks didn't make it to the final, but that they came so close to it. If they had any sense of fairness they would have lost their first match. How can Helen Clark & I succeed in entrenching a culture of losers with this sort of thing going on? I mean, look - Helen's doing her best, appearing on television every night interviewing beneficiaries who aren't being given enough of Other People's Money to keep breeding with; I have spent my entire political career attempting to clobber the successful; the schools have been doing it for the last fifteen years; yet still we have the All Blacks, who are supposed to be role models, trying to be the best in the world. It's just not on."

Mr Neanderton then announced that an Alliance/Labour coalition will set up a Ministry of Rugby, overseen by a Minister of Rugby, to ensure that the All Blacks' performance continues to deteriorate. Asked if he had run this by Helen Clark, he replied, "No, but she's already proposing eleven new ministries. One more won't make any difference."

The Ministry, Mr Neanderton declared, will nationalise the New Zealand Rugby Football Union & exert complete authority over the development of rugby in this country. Schools will weed out the best players & send the worst to special Ministry camps to train to be All Blacks. Potential forwards will be fed organic, genetically unmodified vegan food only, supplied by Jeanette Fitzsimplesimons, so they can't get heavy enough to form an effective scrum. Potential fullbacks will be amputated below the knee, so they will have to do their kicking from wheelchairs. Anyone heard mentioning names like Don Clark, Alan Hewson and Andrew Mertens will have his mouth washed out with soap & water & sent to a North Korean re-education camp, in order to stamp out the deviant practice of worshipping great players from the present & the past. "As for Jonah Lomu," said Mr Neanderton, "he will be declared an enemy of the state and executed forthwith. I mean, really, who does he think he is, running amok on his own like that? It's just not on."

"One more thing!" Mr Neanderton added. "It is disgraceful that rugby has become commercialised & the players are being paid even more than I am AND it's not stolen. However, I will set their earnings quite high, at $50,000, just so that, in accordance with my Symmetrical Progressivity tax policy announced two months ago, they will pay tax of 50 cents in the dollar. And best of all, don't forget, there's my penis tax policy, announced one month ago. Most All Blacks have big penises. If Jeanette's vegan food doesn't cut them down to size, my penis tax sure as hell will. One way or another, I'll reduce everybody to an equal level of uselessness eventually. New Zealand the way I want it!"

Politically Incorrect Show, despising the Culture of the Loser, 309 3099.

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