Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 30/11/1999

[Music - Die Fledermaus]

Good afternoon, Kaya Oraaa & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Tuesday November 30, proudly sponsored by the Neandernomics Institute of Beijing, the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit, & excellence, against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

[Music up, music down!]

Former Minister of Maori Affairs, Tau Henare, has announced his new vocation: running a grief therapy clinic for defeated politicians. "No one who has not experienced it can empathise with the hurt, the pain, the trauma, the loss of mana, of being tossed onto the electoral scrapheap," he says. "The sudden, insensitive denial of unimpeded access to other bros' money, no longer being able to fly first class all over the world on behalf of my people looking for the smoked heads of our ancestors' slaves - hell, it's just so bloody unfair, Bro. It's important that my political whanau be able to work through the grieving process." Mr Henare is proposing that counselling sessions be conducted by kaumatua on marae around the country at a rate of a thousand dollars an hour per traumatee. Asked if such rates might not lengthen, rather than expedite the grieving process, Mr Henare says, "That's the general idea, mate!" Then he adds, "The whities can afford it. It's the least they can do after everything their ancestors did to mine. But I don't see why the Bros' fees can't come from Te Puni Kokiri. I'll be lodging a Treaty claim to the Waitangi Tribunal. I'm just a bit concerned that Bro Tuariki might miss out. If the Greens get in, he's going to be deported on an exchange programme with some German couple."

Deputy-Prime Minister-elect Jim Neanderton, meanwhile, is said to be receiving counselling of his own over the pending tax legislation that will raise the marginal rate on earnings of over $60,000 from 33 cents in the dollarto a mere 39. "Pathetic!" he says, "an egregious betrayal of the working class. I kept telling Helen during the campaign that she needs to learn how to tax. Thirty-nine cents? Chicken-feed! How can I be expected to bring the economy to a grinding halt on that paltry amount?" Asked if he's resigned to having to flag away his election promises of a penis tax & a Symmetrical Progressivity Tax, he tends to burst into tears & say it's far too early to talk about resigning. "This thing's not over yet by a long shot," he says. "Helen has to keep her promises. Free everything to everybody. Thirty-nine cents won't do it. Personally I don't think anything less than 69 will do it, which was the top rate we were proposing at the last election. Mind you, slapping a fifty per cent tariff on every import will help, but there again, Helen's being a party-pooper."

There is, however, says Mr Neanderton, a Plan B. "If we can't subsidise everything with tariffs & taxes, we'll just print the money. Easy! Just send those printing presses into overtime. After all, they're MY printing presses now! Vroom! Vroom! Wheeee! Ooooo! I'm starting to feel better already. I wonder why someone didn't think of this before." When reminded that someone DID think of it before, with bizarre consequences, Mr Neanderton says, "Kraut tossers. Inflation of a puny trillion per cent? Pathetic! I'll show them inflation. Vroom! Vroom!"

"You know," Mr Nenderton added, "My fellow Irishman Ronald Reagan got it right when he said, 'If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. If it stops moving, subsidise it.'" When told that Mr Reagan actually meant the opposite, Mr Neanderton burst into tears again, screamed "The senile old git!" & rushed off in search of his counsellor.

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