Lindsay Perigo
Lindsay Perigo

The Politically Incorrect Show - 07/12/1999

[Music - Die Fledermaus]

Good afternoon, Kaya Oraaa & welcome to the Politically Incorrect Show on the free speech network, Radio Pacific, for Tuesday December 7, proudly sponsored by Neanderton Nicotine Ltd., the show that says bugger the politicians & bureaucrats & all the other bossyboot busybodies who try to run our lives with our money; that stands tall for free enterprise, achievement, profit, & excellence, against the state-worshippers in our midst; that stands above all for the most sacred thing in the universe, the liberty of the human individual.

[Music up, music down!]

Now, I don't know about you, but if another famous person decides to announce to the world that he has a drinking problem, I shall be sick. To me, the person who has a drinking problem is the person who doesn't drink. He is a po-faced ascetic, who lives miserably & dies young (abstinence being a potent carcinogen). If he doesn't die young, he becomes a sociopath, apt to wreak havoc on an appalling scale. Adolf Hitler, need I remind you, was a teetotaller. Think of all that bother we could have been saved had someone slipped him a mickey once in a while. His adversary Churchill, of course, was a formidable drinker. He won. Because of the preservative features of alcohol he lived to be ninety-four & needed no embalming on his death. When he proclaimed that the greatness of the British navy was based on "rum, sodomy & the lash," he knew in which order to place those three pillars of maritime invincibility. Long before Churchill, inveterate wine-drinker Thomas Jefferson bequeathed to us the three pillars of libertarian invincibility: the rights to life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness.

Now, science has established the incontrovertible benefits of alcohol once & for all. The World Health Organisation, no less, has just released the results of twenty years of research which confirm what we drinkers have known all along. Alcohol, apart from bestowing long life, makes you super-intelligent. Announcing the findings in detail yesterday, the WHO's Director of Applied Inebriation, Dr Cab Sauvignon-Bacchus, said:

"Think of it this way. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

"In much the same way," Dr Sauvignon-Bacchus went on, "the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of alcohol helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married to lettuce-munching anorexics, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few who stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years."

So there you have it, my fellow-quaffers, & all you anal-retentive non-quaffers out there. The plain truth, on the rocks. I might add that so shocked were the various Temperance Unions in charge of the world that they disguised Dr Cab Sauvignon-Bacchus' announcement as unattributed mischief-making on the Internet all day yesterday. Only diligent effort by your Politically Incorrect correspondent uncorked the true source of this momentous information.

Last night on television we saw our new leaders signing, then brandishing, their funny little piece of paper. Clark the Chardonnay Socialist performed her rituals with great dignity & aplomb. Anderton the Abstinent, on the other hand, tried to sign his copy with a pen that didn't work. So he borrowed Helen's. Then he held the document up - upside down & back-to-front. When he sorted that out, he somehow managed to drop the thing.

Which of these two, do you suppose, has a "drinking problem"?

[Music: A Toast to King Champagne from Die Fledermaus]

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